


Determinism: Absurdity in Two Acts

by skenandj



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Absurd, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Blood and Violence, Comedy, Dark Comedy, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-08 19:19:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12260517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skenandj/pseuds/skenandj
Summary: Link, an omega? Welp, that'll put a damper on his hero-ing.





	1. Preface and Characters

**Author's Note:**

> A play format! This should be fun! I hope y'all like it! Not much going on this chapter, more of a teaser than anything else.
> 
> Come say hi on my [tumblr](https://skenandj.tumblr.com/).

Author’s Preface:

First, a note on content that some might find sensitive: there will be threats of rape and violence, explicit sexual content, violence, offensive language, and other similarly sensitive themes. This isn’t an all inclusive list but I will always include all inclusive content warnings at the beginning of each scene in case there is any material that I didn’t cover here. The same warnings will be found in the tags, updated with each new release.

There is one last thing I would like to make clear. This is a parody of a genre. It isn’t meant to be interpreted as an attack on anyone’s likes, turn-ons, and certainly isn’t meant to be an attack on anyone’s writing and/or creativity. If the omegaverse is something that is sacred to you, you might consider not reading this as it will be, in the spirit of parody, iconoclastic. I hope that you enjoy this for what it is: a slice of absurdity. 

Much love,  
Skenandj.

 

Main Characters:

Link  
Sidon  
Zelda  
Ganon

Additional Characters:

Teba  
Yunobo  
Bazz  
Dorephan  
Beedle  
Scummy Alpha 1  
Scummy Alpha 2  
Scummy Alpha 3  
Scummy Alpha 4  
Scummy Alpha 5  
Scummy Alpha 6  
Scummy Alpha 7  
Scummy Alpha 8  
Scummy Alpha 9  
Scummy Alpha 10  
Scummy Alpha 11  
Scummy Alpha 12  
Scummy Alpha 13  
Scummy Alpha 14  
Scummy Alpha 15  
Scummy Alpha 16  
Scummy Alpha 17  
Scummy Alpha 18  
Scummy Alpha 19  
Riju  
Scummy Alpha 20


	2. Act I, Scene 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning, this scene contains violence and threats of rape.
> 
> This took a long time! Hope y'all enjoy it!
> 
> If you haven't done so already, please do read the first chapter (mostly the preface). It contains some pretty important info.

Act I

 

Scene 1

 

_ Link, the Hylian champion and the Hero of Hyrule, is escorting Sidon, Prince of the Zoras, from Hyrule Castle to the Zora’s Domain.  _

 

_ It is midday, just the two of them, and they are travelling by foot. Link is wearing his favorite set of armor: the Gerudo Vai set. Sidon is wearing nothing more than his usual cravat, whistle, and assorted jewelry. Both men are lightly armed, Sidon having only a rapier at his waist and Link with the sword of legend, the Master Sword, a sturdy shield, and a bow and quiver on his back.  _

 

**Link** : You know, people are going to think you’re the one escorting me.

 

**Sidon** : Pardon?

 

**Link** : People will think you’re my guard.

 

**Sidon** : And why would they think that you, the legendary hero, need an escort?

 

**Link** : Well, just judging from a distance, I would say that our height difference might play a role in their interpretation.

 

**Sidon** : Is that so?

 

**Link** : I would think so.

 

**Sidon** : But all adult Zora tower over Hylians. Surely one wouldn’t expect every Zora to be a Hylian’s escort when there were only two of them.

 

**Link** : Perhaps not, but considering that for a Zora, you’re incredibly tall, and for...for a Hylian I’m…

 

**Sidon** : You’re…?

 

**Link** : Never mind. Once they get close enough, if they know something about the sword on my back, they might have a clue, otherwise I’m sure they would assume you are my escort.

 

**Sidon** : I guess I just don’t see it.

 

**Link** : Don’t worry, I’m sure you will.

 

**Sidon** : How do you mean?

 

**Link** : Well, I just mean that I, an omega, who am only travelling with one person, you, who isn’t an alpha, a beta, or an omega, am likely to get some...unwanted attention.

 

**Sidon** : How do you mean?

 

**Link** : Well, recently some gang of lowlifes has been sending me threats and-

 

**Sidon** ( _ angrily _ ): What kind of threats?

 

**Link** : Never mind, it’s nothing serious.

 

**Sidon** : Well, it certainly sounds serious.

 

**Link** : It isn’t.

 

**Sidon** : But-

 

**Link** : It isn’t.

 

**Sidon** ( _ somewhat deflated _ ): Fine, it isn’t. You should be more careful though, Link. Gangs really are...serious.

 

**Link** : They can be.

 

**Sidon** : When aren’t they?

 

**Link** ( _ cockily _ ): When their target is me!

 

**Sidon** : Link…

 

**Link** : …

 

**Sidon** : Link…

 

**Link** : Fine, fine. I’ll be careful. 

 

**Sidon** : Please do be. There are some absolute scum out there. We Zora know little when it comes to you Hylians and your, how do you call it?

 

**Link** : You can just say a/b/o.

 

**Sidon** : Yes, your a/b/o issues. But it has come to our attention that there exists a group that is targeting, oh, what’s the term, untaken...unhad...un...umm…

 

**Link** : Unclaimed.

 

**Sidon** : Yes, that’s the word! Unclaimed! Oh goodness, is that really the technical term?

 

**Link** : Yup.

 

**Sidon** : It just sounds so…

 

**Link** : Yup.

 

**Sidon** : Well, anyways, there exists a group that is targeting unclaimed omegas and...well...and raping them.

 

**Link** : I know.

 

**Sidon** : You do?!

 

**Link** : Yup.

 

**Sidon** : Well, I should have known that the highest ranked knight in Hyrule would have been informed about such a vile gang.

 

**Link** : That’s not how I know.

 

**Sidon** ( _ surprised _ ): It isn’t? Then how?

 

**Link** : Hold on. A group is approaching.

 

**Sidon** : Ah, so they are. You are ever vigilant, Link. It is no wonder you are as highly regarded as you are. Although...they appear to just be a trading caravan.

 

**Link** : I don’t know...

 

**Sidon** : No, no, you’re right. It’s best to be prepared.

 

_ The group draws near Link and Sidon _

 

**Link** : Who goes there?

 

**Scummy Alpha 1** : We are just a group of hunters in search of...prey…

 

**Sidon** ( _ barely containing his excitement) _ : Oh, fabulous! Oh, how I admire hunters! If I may ask, what are you hunting?

 

**SA1** : Uhhh…

 

**Link** ( _ reaching for his sword _ ): Sidon…

 

**Sidon** : Yes?

 

**Scummy Alpha 2** ( _ sniffing _ ): Well, you see, we’re on the hunt for…

 

**Sidon** : Yes?

 

**Scummy Alpha 3** ( _ also sniffing _ ): Yes...we’re on the hunt for…

 

**Sidon** ( _ somewhat exasperated _ ): Good hunters, what are you on the hunt for?

 

**Scummy Alpha 5** ( _ sniffing louder than the rest _ ): We’re on the-

 

**Scummy Alpha 4** : Hey! I was next! 

 

**SA5** : Oh, yeah. My apologies. Go ahead.

 

**SA4** ( _ sniffing, drawing closer to Link step by step before looking up at him and smiling _ ): We’re on the hunt for unclaimed omeg-AGH!

 

**Link** ( _ regarding the blood now covering the master sword _ ): Alright, who’s next?

 

**SA5** : Why, you filthy omega! You’ve killed him! Scummy Alpha 3, team up with me, let’s get him together.

 

**Sidon** : Hey, what’s going on here!

 

**SA5** : You stay out of this, escort. You’re outnumbered and you don’t stand a chance.

 

**Sidon** ( _ offended _ ): Escort?

 

**Link** : I told you.

 

**Sidon** : I’ll have you know I’m the-

 

**SA5** : And you, omega. You need to learn your place. Lucky for you, we’re here to show you your purpose in life. You’re nothing more than an alpha’s playthi-AGH

 

**Link** ( _ returning bow to his back, turning to SA1, SA2, and SA3 _ ): Alright, you still want to keep on going?

 

**SA1** : Why you...you...you bitch. You’ll pay for that! Alright Scummy Alpha 2, Scummy Alpha 3, let’s retreat for now. Boss will want to hear about this.

 

**SA2** ( _ retreating _ ): Watch your back, omega! You’ll be ours, soon.

 

**Sidon** ( _ frazzled _ ): Goodness, what a rude group of hunters.

 

**Link** : Sidon.

 

**Sidon** : Yes?

 

**Link** : That was clearly the group of alphas that is targeting unclaimed omegas.

 

**Sidon** : My Goddess, was it really?

 

**Link** : It so clearly was…

 

**Sidon** : Well, I suppose in hindsight…

 

**Link** ( _ incredulously _ ): In hindsight!

 

**Sidon** : Yes, I suppose you’re just a bit more perceptive than I am.

 

**Link** : Well, you’re not wrong.

 

**Sidon** : At any rate, it sounds like they aren’t done harassing you. Shouldn’t you be a bit more worried? It sounds like you’re a bonafide target now.

 

**Link** : You saw how easily I handled them now. What’s there to worry about?

 

**Sidon** : Well…

 

**Link** : “Well” what?

 

**Sidon** : Well, I was just thinking that...the main strength of a gang, or any organized group, for that matter, is their ability to coordinate around a strong, centralized power. Now, I imagine that this strong centralized power, who they referred to as “boss,” is a fair deal smarter than they are, they being ordinary foot soldiers, if you’ll excuse the loose term. As I see it, this intelligent centralized power is bound to know of some way to more effectively leverage manpower than the debacle we just witnessed. It isn’t beyond plausible that, given the nature of the group or, more aptly put, the gang, they are privy to some kind of information that gives them a combative edge against omegas. Furthermore, we don’t even know of their numbers.

 

**Link** : I’m pretty sure there are 20.

 

**Sidon** : What?

 

**Link** : I’m pretty sure there are 20. Well, were 20. Now I’m pretty sure there are 18.

 

**Sidon** : How could you possib- no, never mind. It doesn’t matter. 18 people is still far too many.

 

**Link** : What are you suggesting.

 

**Sidon** : That you should be worried.

 

**Link** : Sidon.

 

**Sidon** : Yes?

  
**Link** : Don’t be absurd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what y'all think.
> 
> Depending on reception, I might not continue with this one. It's a little (really) weird and I'm not so sure...so your feedback is super important!
> 
> Thanks!


	3. Act I, Scene 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw, discussion of rape, abuse, and systematic discrimination
> 
> Please forgive the formatting inconsistency, I'll go back and revise the A1S1 to match this formatting. I think it is a little smoother.
> 
> Come say hi on my [tumblr](https://skenandj.tumblr.com/).
> 
> See ya in the end notes!

Scene 2

_ A flashback: it is late at night in Hyrule castle. Zelda, Sidon, Riju, Teba, and Yunobo enter and gather around a semi-circular table in a conference room. Zelda sits in the middle seat, Sidon is immediately to her right and Riju is to her immediate left. Teba is to Sidon’s right and Yunobo is to Riju’s left. Link stands guard behind Zelda, slightly to her right. After Zelda sits, the rest follow. _

 

_ There are thick dossiers in front of each of the seated persons. _

 

**Zelda** : Welcome, honorable representatives! Yunobo, Daruk’s descendant! Riju, chief of the Gerudo! Sidon, prince of the Zora! And Teba...uh...the Rito! We meet tonight to discuss and resolve a very important matter: Alpha/Beta/Omega legislation. It has come to my attention that some of the…

 

**Link** : Ahem!

 

**Zelda** : Most of the…

 

**Link** : Ahem!

 

**Zelda** : All of the...laws regarding interaction between alphas and omegas are, umm, how was it put...completely barbaric, absolutely disgusting, and should have no place in any reasonably constructed society? Yeah, that was it.

 

_ Link smiles. _

 

**Zelda** : So, we must review the laws. If we let these laws stand, then, frankly put, we are nothing more than completely barbaric and absolutely disgusting. So, you will all find in front of you the complete relevant legislation regarding these matters and the suggested amendments. Does anyone have any questions?

 

**Teba** : Yeah, I have one. You said all the legislation here was supposed to be relevant to alpha/beta/omega issues, right?

 

**Zelda** : Exactly correct.

 

**Teba** : Well, if you look at page 367-

 

_ Link stiffens _

 

**Teba** : -you can see that there is a resolution that the Hylian Royal Knights’ food budget be increased by...tenfold.

 

_ Zelda glares at Link, who quickly looks up and to his right as the rest of the representatives find the correct page. _

 

**Zelda** : Please redact that, my  _ staff _ must have made a simple clerical error.

 

**Sidon** : Good catch, Teba! I’m not exactly sure how you already read through to the 367th page, but you truly are incredible!

 

**Teba** : I know it. 

 

**Zelda** : Well, moving on, if there aren’t any more questions, let us begin, all the while keeping a vigilant eye for ( _ turns to Link _ ) further mistakes. No questions? Excellent. Then let us start with the first law. “Any omega-in-heat, henceforth referred to as OIH, who is in public or in private and is without their alpha, ‘their alpha’ being understood as the alpha who claimed their virginity, whether due to truancy or simple inexistence, tacitly revokes all ability to withhold consent from other alphas, ‘other alphas’ being understood as any alpha that isn’t the alpha who claimed the omega-in-question’s virginity. Such an OIH may still withhold consent from betas. Any beta found guilty of ignoring revoked consent shall be sentenced to no more than two days in jail.”

 

**Riju** : Is that...is that really a law? How do we even go about amending that?

 

**Sidon** : I think...I think we just have to scrap it. I mean, it should be clear that any omega, OIH or otherwise, is able to retain consent. I mean, that is just clearly discrimination, right? Like, the old legislators weren’t even trying to hide it. How could they possibly justify such a vile-

 

**Teba** : Well, in subsection A it says “alphas will be alphas. We can’t expect to be able to change the nature of an alpha.”

 

**Yunobo** : Uh, what? That isn’t a reasonable explanation at all!

 

**Teba** : Hey, hey, don’t get mad at me. I’m with you on that, I’m just reading the text.

 

**Yunobo** : I know, I know...it’s just...these laws. Are these real?

 

**Zelda** : Yup.

 

**Yunobo** : Like, they aren’t some kind of joke? People didn’t find this kind of thing immediately problematic?

 

**Zelda** : They aren’t and they didn’t. All we can do now is change the trajectory of alpha/beta/omega dynamics, at least in Hyrule. Rape must not be tolerated. There is no reason for it to be as pandemic as it is. 

 

**All** : Agreed.

 

**Zelda** : Alright then, so, motion to strike down the first law? The motion passes unanimously. Onto the second law. “Once mated, an omega permanently revokes ability to withhold consent from their alpha.”

 

**Riju** : Well, that one was shorter. Can’t say it was better.

 

**Sidon** : What’s the justification on this one.

 

**Teba** : Well, it says here that “it is self-evident that an omega serves two roles: 1) to produce offspring and 2) to remain absolutely subservient in every way towards their better, ‘better’ is understood to mean their alpha. An omega, simply due to their biology, cannot be expected to function in an alpha’s world. As established in the first law, alphas will be alphas and, given that they are superior by nature, they should thus be placed in an absolute position of dominance over an omega. The best way an omega can serve society is by keeping their alpha happy.”

 

**Sidon** : Wow.

 

**Riju** : Yeah, it’s kind of completely disgusting. Goddess above, imagine if someone tried to argue along similar lines for something like, I don’t know, sex or gender.

 

**Yunobo** : Wow, I can’t even imagine what that would look like.

 

**Teba** : I mean, it would be clear discrimination! It would be absolutely outlandish! 

 

**Zelda** : Yes, well, hypotheticals aside, let us get back on topic. I think this one is also unsalvageable. Motion to strike down the second law? Motion carried unanimously. Next, a resolution: “this resolution petitions that all omegas are, at all times, unable to have their ability to withhold consent be revoked.”

 

**Sidon** : Alright, yeah. I mean, that’s honestly how things should be.

 

**Zelda** : Those in favor? Those against? Alright, the resolution is passed unanimously. Next, another resolution: “this resolution petitions that the penalty for sexually assaulting an omega or a beta be the same as the penalty for sexually assaulting an alpha.” Those in favor? Those against? Alright, the motion passes unanimously. Next, oh, another petition. This one says “this resolution petitions that the maximum allotment of carrots for royal steeds be increased by-” goddamnit Link! Everyone, redact that resolution. Alright, everyone, let’s recess for a few minutes. Feel free to walk around and enjoy the garden!

 

_ Everyone gets up and moves to leave _ .

  
**Zelda** : Except for you, Link.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all like it! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Also: if you haven't already, please read the first chapter (the preface/introductory stuff), it is really important.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all, I hope you like the concept! Let me know y'all's preliminary thoughts!


End file.
